


I Think You Used To Love Me Once

by fortheloveofcurls



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Happy Ending, M/M, Mentions of self-harm, Sad, Slight fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-03
Updated: 2013-08-03
Packaged: 2017-12-22 06:16:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/909885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fortheloveofcurls/pseuds/fortheloveofcurls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They stick with the easiest escaperoutes, afraid of the possibility of getting hurt. But what they don’t know is that that’s what’s hurting them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Think You Used To Love Me Once

**Author's Note:**

> unbetead, so sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes :)
> 
> Title and Lyrics from Tje Austin's Away From You
> 
>  
> 
> My tumblr: www.silverpaperplanes.tumblr.com

 

 _”i don't really know what i wanna do when it comes to you_ __  
do i stay? do i go? do i want this? do i need it?  
baby can i leave it?   
in my heart i know that i can't get away from you”

 

-

 

It was bound to happend, Niall thinks as he’s lying in the soft white sheets of _their_ bed, back to back with Zayn. Zayn was bound to get tired of taking care of him. He had to be exhausted from all the months he’s spent on bandaging the ruined flesh of Niall’s pale wrists and forearms, tired of holding him when the nightmares appaerd at night. Tired of picking up all the pieces of a once broken Niall.

 

Niall can smell Zayn behind him, the smell of his cologne, a faint hint of cinnamon, and a smell that can only be described as _Zayn._ And Niall just wants to shake him, to yell at him that _he’s trying_. Because Niall really is trying. He hasn’t hurt himself ever since Zayn told him he loved him all those months ago.

 

But instead he says nothing. Like all those other nights.

 

It’s become somewhat of a routine now. Niall always awakes first, but he keeps his eyes closed til he feels Zayn stir behind him, still keeps his eyes closed when he feels Zayn’s fingers run lightly trough his hair before getting out of bed. He keeps his eyes closed until he can hear the shower running in the bathroom, then he can finally breathe out and relax.

 

-

 

He doesn’t really know when it happend, doesn’t really know when he became so desperate to avoid conversation with Zayn. It’s been like this for a while. Most of the time they manage to not bump into eachother. Zayn always starts working early and Niall feigns sleep until he hears the frontdoor close, then he gets out of bed and spends the day writing sad songs or playing guitar until he has to get to work. And he often finds himself working overhours in hope that Zayn is asleep when he gets home.

 

Niall finds it tragic really, how miserable their relationship is. And sometimes he finds himself wondering why he hasn’t just left yet. He feels like he’s wasting his life. But then there will be moments where he gets glimpses of the old Zayn, the Zayn he once fell in love with, the memories of chilly mornings cuddled up in fornt of the fireplace, going out for coffee in the middle of the night, and he finds himself wanting to wait around for that Zayn to reappear again.

 

Most of all he’s afraid he’s gonna get bad again, like before Zayn came around and saved him. Back when his life was even more miserable then now, when he used to mark his wrist as an outlet of everything that was building up inside him. When he lived in a house with a broken family and a father that wouldn’t stop insulting him, and the kids at school would drag him to the bathroom at lunch every day.

 

He knows life could’ve been worse, it _used_ to be worse. But he feels trapped. inside the four walls of their apartment, feels like the walls are slowly drawing closer and closer until there is no more space left to breathe. And that doesn’t go well with his claustrophobia. But he feels like he owes Zayn, that staying around is the least he can do after Zayn saved him from his old terrible life.

 

They’re both to blame really. Niall makes just as much effort to avoid Zayn as Zayn does to avoid him.

 

Niall thinks that maybe they jumped into things too fast. Zayn had been Liam’s friend from highschool, and when Zayn had transferred to the university where Liam and Niall went ,Liam had introduced him to Niall, Louis and Harry, and Zayn had quikly fit in with the group of friends.  They had barely known eachother two weeks before the first kiss. It was exciting and new, sparks and giggles and messy kisses under broken streetlamps on their way home from the pub. That night Niall went home to Zayn’s place and woke up tangled with Zayn in a heap under the messy sheets. And after that it had been the two of them.

 

When Zayn had discovered Niall’s self-harming he hadn’t interrogated him about it, just cleaned his wounds and bandaged his pale wrists. And when Niall finally told him the reason, after five weeks of dating, Zayn had insisted that Niall moved in with him.

 

It was exciting and new at first. Going out for coffee, or order food and watch movies, making out on the couch and making love on every avaliable surface of their flat, waking up tangled in eachother and not knowing wich limbs belonged to who, showering together before work.

 

And the memories about a once happy time in his life, makes Niall’s wrists itch, begging for relief. But he’s not going to give in, not after he’s come this far.

 

-

 

It isn’t like the change is sudden, it’s been creeping in slowly, closer and closer, until nothing is like it used to anymore. Like it _should_ be.

 

But what frustrates Niall the most is that no one else seems to notice, all of their friends seems to belive everything is like it used to. Niall can’t really blame them though, him and Zayn try to act as normal as possible around them, but sometimes Niall finds himself wishing someone realised that he was hurting and pull him to the side for a hug.

 

He’s in desperate need for a hug, or even just a caring touch, a pat on the shoulder or warm solid hand on his back. But the one he wants to notice the most, is Zayn.

 

Sometimes he finds himself wanting to reach out to Zayn, to tangle their fingers when they walk side by side, lay his head on his shoulder and cuddle into him when they’re watching tv, or kiss him silly in the mornings. But he’s insecurities from the past are still there somewhere, and he’s afraid Zayn will think he’s too pushy. He doesn’t know how to act around Zayn anymore, so he ends up avoiding him, because that’s easier then trying.

 

-

 

Niall watches as his feet drags along the grey pavement, the colour matching his mood. Him and Zayn are walking home from the pub, side by side, but not touching in any way. Niall can feel his bodyheat, and he sort of craves his touch, wants to reach out between them and tangle their fingers, wants Zayn to spin him around in piruettes under streetlamps while humming silly lovesongs in his ear. Like he once used to. It’s seems like a dream now, a memory that’s just out of reach for Niall to grasp.

 

Zayn speaks then, his voice rough and hoarse, sounding like it hasn’t been used in years, decades even. ”We had our first kiss here”. And Niall looks at him, blue eyes wide. Zayn’s voice sounds foreign under these circumstances. Sure Niall heard him talk just a few minutes ago back at the pub, but it’s different now, now that it’s just the two of them.

 

”Do you remember ?”. And Niall finds the question ridicilous, because of course he remembers. He’s spent the last two months dreaming about it, missing it. But he nods anyway, and Zayn gives him a halfsmile. And in that moment Niall feels a little braver, so he reaches for Zayn’s hand and holds it tight in his. Zayn looks over at him then, suprised, but not a bad suprised, just sort of curious.

 

Niall hadn’t realised how much he missed Zayn’s touch until now, when he can feel Zayn’s warm hand in his own. And he smiles up at Zayn and Zayn squeezes his hand, and the rest of the way home Niall has this familiar warm tingling sensation in the pit of his stomach. And it’s moments like these that stops him from giving up.

 

-

 

 

But when he wakes up the day after he’s under the impresson that everything that happened the day before was a dream and he doesn’t dare open his eyes when he feels Zayn place a light kiss to his temple. He stays silent when he hears Zayn enter the bathroom leaving the door open. Always leaving the door open. This time he opens his eyes, dares taking a peek at Zayn standing under the dripping water in the shower, shapooing his hair. And _god he’s beuatiful_ Niall thinks. He can’t help but wonder why Zayn has stayed with him all this time. He could do so much better.

 

 

And when Zayn’s gone to work, Niall gets his guitar and writes sad lovesongs about a once happy time.

 

 

His boss calls in later that day, tells him he doesn’t need to come to work today. And Niall almost cries out in frustration, because no work means more time for Zayn and his akward silences. But he thanks his boss, hangs up and sits down dreading the moments Zayn’s going to come home.

 

 

Niall is lying down on the couch with the tv on, not really watching, when Zayn comes home. He looks tired and he’s carrying a bag of takeaway. He looks mildly suprised when he sees Niall infront of the tv. And Niall wants to cry when he remembers a time when that suprised look was replaced by a happy one.

 

”They didn’t need me at work today” Niall says as a way of explaining, and Zayn just nods. He sets the bag of takeaway on the kitchen island before getting plates for the both of them.

 

They eat in silence with the sound of whatever crap is on the tv as backgound noise. Niall keeps getting more aware of Zayn as the night goes on and he doesn’t know what to do anymore. His chest hurts, it feels too tight, like something is about to explode. His eyes burn and it feels like they’re seconds away from watering. And his wrists and forearms are starting to itch like crazy.

 

He turns to Zayn as a memory comes to mind. ”Do you remember how you used to draw on the skin of my wrists ?”. And Zayn turns to him, Niall’s voice taking him by suprise. ”Yeah..” he clears his throat. ”Yeah i remember, why ?”

 

”They’re itching Z” Niall says, some of all the pent up frustration showing in his voice. ”i’ts bad”. And Zayn’s eyes soften. He puts down the plate he was eating from and scoots closer to Niall. And Niall’s breathe catches in his throat at the closeness. Zayn carefully takes his wrist in his hands and starts tickling his forearms lightly.

 

Zayn’s touch is electryfying and Niall closes his eyes to revel in it, he leans into it and takes everything he can get.

 

That night they don’t sleep with their backs to eachother and Niall feels like he can finally breathe a little.

 

 

When he wakes up the next day Zayn is already in the shower. He leans over to check the time on the clock on the bedsidetable when something on his arm catches his attention.

 

Both his forearms are littered with black doodles. In the middle of all the doodles on his left arm he can make out words. And his throat constricts when he reads them. He brings his other arm up and holds it under his left arm. His eyes well up at the message scribbled there.

 

_I love you_

_Forever and always_

 

And for the first time Niall doesn’t feel like he has to hide until Zayn’s gone to work. In fact this morning Niall joins Zayn in the shower. And they might not be completely fixed. But at least they’re on their way. And now Niall’s gotten a new strength to keep on fighting, because he knows that Zayn hasn’t given up yet, and that he’s not fighting alone anymore. 


End file.
